Wavewalker

A combination of holidays, my parents’ visit and conversations with an old friend launched my year in a best possible way: I started consistently reading and finishing books again. I’ve never really stopped reading completely but in recent years I started switching between books too much, often taking too long to finish them and abandoning the ones that required too much effort or attention. Magically, when I slowed down and stopped rushing and switching between tasks I discovered mental clarity that I haven’t felt in years, with word practically jumping out of the page at me. Amazing what focussing on just reading and resting can do for you, even when you still have three relatively young children.

One of the first books I read in January was “Wavewalker” which I picked randomly out of my queue. It’s an autobiographical book written by a woman who spent 10 years of her childhood on a boat and hated it. Sailing is a subject close to my heart but I was fully prepared for the book not to focus much on the actual sailing (judging by the excerpt ) and I wasn’t disappointed. The book is much more about parental neglect and the author’s trauma than anything else, even if the author does not use those specific words. The sentiment and the presented facts are clear: while the initial plan was to follow Captain Cook’s route for 3 years, the family ended up cruising for 10, often in extremely unfavourable conditions which made it impossible to cook and led to a fairly severe physical injury in Suzy. The parents also completely neglected their children’s education, expected Suzy (but not her brother) to assist with all domestic chores on the boat, did not give the children any input into their future and eventually abandoned them in New Zealand for months with very minimal money and support. The mother who suffered from seasickness and fits of bad temper picked fights with paying crew and her own daughter. Despite the lack of support, Suzanne managed to eventually get accepted into Oxford.

The parallels with another memoir, “Educated” by Tara Westover, are pretty clear, even if “Educated” is more celebrated (and better written). Both girls possessed an incredible drive to learn and study, they both eventually defied their environment and changed their own lives against overwhelming odds. Tara’s family in “Educated” is radical Mormon; Suzy’s parents mock anything related to religion. Suzy’s Dad identifies himself as a benevolent dictator and he is mostly that; Tara’s father most likely has a serious mental illness. While there’s clear abuse in “Educated”, “Wavewalker” is much more about neglect. And yet, both Tara and Suzy ultimately struggle to control anything in their own lives and they both gravitate towards self-education. They both strive to belong yet cannot live in the suffocating environment. And while for Tara that environment is often contained in a literal junk yard, Suzy’s backdrop is often beautiful yet still feels oppressive to her.

It seems that the author of “Wavewalker” didn’t quite make sense of her childhood, she asks some painful questions about her parents who saw her upbringing as privileged – a view she clearly doesn’t share – yet doesn’t have any answers. It is a big contrast with “Educated” that presents a much more nuanced, complex view and often incorporates the author’s later insights about her family and the events she’s describing.

There doesn’t seem to be any reflection in the book on how parents often define the circumstances of their children’s lives, even if it’s usually less dramatic than a 10 year ocean cruising adventure. The author is a widow and has children, she has been successful in business – surely she herself ran against some of her children’s wishes. While most of us do not cruise the ocean with our children, the parents still define where the entire family live, which schools the children go to, what they eat and wear. We put them in childcare when they might not want to go. We work too much and miss their performances and we go on business trips instead of reading with them. A “benevolent dictator” is something that is often touted as a parental ideal, even if it’s used in a different context to the one Suzy’s father had. If the children were well fed, treated with some affection and educated during the family’s adventure, would it still be unacceptable to live on the boat because children were sick of it and wanted a stable life? Did the author ever struggle with balancing her ambition and bringing up her children later in life? I wish the author reflected on it with the benefit of her own experience as a child. Is it even acceptable to have children if the only thing that makes you happy is an adventure that might make them miserable? And is there a reliable way to make sure they don’t write a condemning book about you when they grow up (I guess not being interesting enough is a good start)?

You won’t find any attempts to answer those questions in the book. The narrative suggests that Suzy might have had attachment issues due to her parents’ neglect, her relationship with her brother seem surface-level despite the years of shared misery. There is almost nothing there about her own children. I think that’s a missed opportunity but maybe she’s just leaving a chance for them to write their own book.